What Am I Destined To Do?

The following post has been restored. Sorry for deleting it before, I realize I hadn't a good reason to get rid of it so it's back! There will be a new post to follow.

DISCLAIMER: This is one of those posts that's about my life. If you don't want to read about this, please move along.

I've been having a quandary of late, a debate about being in the right field of work. See I realized sometime late this year, while at my current job, that I'm not so sure I made the right choice in college. I'm almost sure of it, if I wasn't at least good at what I do now. Sure as a software engineer, I get to work with technology all day, be on the computer and make a decent salary (though I'm actually underpaid right now and plan to rectify that using my success so far and pending Masters degree as leverage). But how did it come to this?

I was film pending major in college, tried twice to get into the film school and failed both times. But with what? I've never filmed a movie before, aside from the classic Tenacious 3, which isn't exactly worthy of submission. Instead I sent in the first 10 pages of a script and a short story, and something different the next time. See I had this crazy idea I could direct movies, yet as I'd never done this before college, I was apparently already at a loss. I took TV Production in high school twice and it was a lot of fun, but it didn't make a dent in such a career in film. Turns out I'm probably more of a writer than I'll ever be a "director", but who knows.

That's the real problem, I realized I followed a safer bet, a more sure fire plan. Use your math and science skills I thought. Sure they're just above average or so but that's good enough. You can work in technology that you like, but still be "creative". Hah, what a laugh, creative. Writing code all day for oil companies. I didn't see any of this coming when I was blinded by the sheer joy of working for Disney, keeping theme park rides safe around the world, even if just by judging test data vs. the in-house limits we had in place and creating new ones. Each week we'd have discussions over rides, rides dammit! That was our job, to keep fun, entertaining rides safe for people, to know the ins and outs of the mechanics and what the standards were. I worked in a building just outside of Magic Kingdom, filled with the remnants of rides gone by. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, the signs and even pieces of the rides littered the hallway walls of this place. Even in a job writing code, you could feel you were doing it for something special.

What's the real reason I took Computer Engineering? Not just because I was worried I was throwing away my math and science skills, but I was also getting concerned about making a living. What if I failed in film or writing or such? How could I make money? But here was Engineering, Computer in fact that was one of the highest paid jobs right out of Bachelors school. Not necessarily saying much after you've got years of experience in many other fields, but it said something, a job in demand, not a job I'd have to fight tooth and nail to make a dent in the industry. But has it made me happy? At first I thought it might, but Disney spoiled me. I found the rigors of the 40 hour work week tough, maybe because I was going to school at the same time, I don't know. But the idea of the 8, really 9 hour day was tough. Working where I am now, I've had to work extra hours, weekends, while knowing that I have to go home to more work for school. After December, I'll have my Masters degree and that won't be an excuse anymore.

But why did I get my Masters degree at all? How did I get this far in a field I may not even like anymore? I knew that I should go for it, have a chance at more money, easier chance at getting a job. But money doesn't buy happiness. Well ok I don't really know that. I'm not exactly rolling in it, making less than I did at my last job. Moreso because I now am responsible for almost every single one of my own expenses, living alone (which is great don't get me wrong) leaves me paying full price for everything like rent and bills. It's certainly a good life lesson but not easy.

So now as I move forward, looking perhaps for another job, I question, is there one out there in my field that will make me even remotely happy? Where have I applied? I've gone all out right now, probably looking at places I don't have a shot in the world at because while I may be a software engineer, I don't know all the greater programs and moreso, no real experience with 3D/computer graphics. ILM, Pixar, Disney, Google, Weta Digital, video game companies and more. Shooting for the stars? Hah sure, but I don't see why not to do so.

The real problem here is my aspirations are so much greater than mere software engineering. Writing is where it's at for me. Books, tv, movies, I don't care, I crave creativity. I have so many stories sitting in my head that I fear will never see the light of day. Believe me I plan to write once school ends and I have free time again. But if I never succeed at that, what then? I had these dreams of putting together franchises of stories. Hell I've been even crazy enough to wonder if I should go into voice acting (don't ask). Point is, the right and left halves of my brain are at war with each other and I don't know who'll win. All I know is, I better not be programming for an oil company a year from now, at least I hope not.